Called

Honoring the Child Spirit is an unlikely book. The result of recorded conversations between Rabbi Shmuley Boteach and Michael Jackson, the book is in interview form and carries the subtitle; “Inspiration and Learning from our Children.”

It took boldness for Shmuley to publish the book after Jackson’s death, especially given the accusations of child-molestation now commonly associated with the star. When I spotted this book on the shelf in the library, I had to overcome initial disgust to even pick it up. Jackson hardly seems like a safe, nurturing or wholesome perspective on the beauty of childhood. Yet in this book are many compelling truths. As we read we can clearly feel Jackson’s own inner wounds, his broken-heartedness, his personal losses and his overcompensations. We can hear in his “voice” his desperation both to be healed and to hurt no one. And perhaps we can sense the danger of such desperation. Yet we are comforted by the presence of the Rabbi, a voice of clarity and stability and a personal friend to Jackson. (The book explains that they spent many Shabbat dinners together as families.) And we read with some hope, the Rabbi’s clear statements that he can not imagine that the allegations against Jackson are true.

Regardless, the book contains much truth about the beauty of God seen uniquely in children. Jackson and Shmuley expound together on such topics as generosity, forgiveness, joy, hope, imagination, curiousity, love and vulnerability. Much we read reminds us both of the character of God and the longing of humans to live in a world less broken.

Jackson’s great dream was apparently to see a World Children’s Day before he died – a day when parents everywhere would spend an uninterrupted day with their kids. Shmuley and Jackson worked with officials at the UN and even with President Clinton to try to establish this but without any resolution. Instead, Shmuley was able to establish Friday Night into Family Night, a celebration of family that includes the Triple Two; two uninterrupted hours with two invited guests discussing two important topics.

This book was a reminder for me, to see beauty and truth in the unlikely places. To honor that which is good while letting go that which is not. It opened my eyes to see not where Satan had victory in Jackson’s life, but to see the amazing glory placed within him by His creator. So many times, our areas of greatest strength, greatest possibility, greatest impact; are where Satan strikes the hardest and the deepest. Jackson was clearly gifted with children and had a passion for their honor, their protection and their hearts. It got twisted into something warped, and strange and perhaps even dangerous. And yet good WILL win – and God is redeeming EVERYTHING.

Amy Chua is a tremendously successful academic, who has mothered two children to their teenage years. She’s also a Times best selling author. Her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, has so captivated American readers, that its catchy title has entered the everyday vocabulary of our age. A tiger mother is fierce, strong, protective, knows what is best for her children, and makes it happen at any cost, even if the children themselves pay the price.

Her book is a captivating read. And in it, she tells us, vulnerably, everything she wants us to know. (Though perhaps not quite everything.) It is full of funny stories and her own witty, if cutting, sense of humor. We can’t help but admire her guts, her strength and her determination, even as we are appalled by her child rearing methods which include 4-8 hours of instrument practice a day and locking her 3 year old outside in the cold of winter when she refuses to obey. Yelling matches are par for the course as she intimidates her two daughters into becoming truly excellent musicians.

Chua looks, honestly, at the successes and failures of her mothering. The rebellion of her second daughter, in her early teens, forced her to reevaluate her methods and change her plans. But in the end, we are left with the impression that she still believes in what she did, even if she gave up her values for the sake of relationship with her daughter.

As a second-generation Asian-American, Chua shares with us the mindsets of Asian parents. In many ways, it is a beautiful perspective. The Asian parent, according to Chua, believes completely in the greatness of their child. Believes in their potential for true excellence. Because of this perspective, this vision, the Asian parent drives their children mercilessly. How well does this work? In many cases, astoundingly well. As Chua points out in her memoir, Asians are known globally for their success, especially in academics and music. The dark side, of course, is those who don’t measure up to be one of the greatest among so many great achievers. The suicide rate in China, following national exams, is extraordinarily high. And when success is measured, so narrowly, very few can attain a high level of success amongst their peers.

But her book, while educational on Asian parenting, even more interestingly invites us into a powerful view of what American parenting culture looks like to someone from the outside. Perhaps the author’s most important contribution to us is her powerful insight into our cultural shortcomings. For in the end, it all comes down to this, In Chua’s mind. Tiger Mother’s raise highly successful, if unhappy, children. In contrast, she says, American children are both unsuccessful and unhappy.

Ouch.

What really struck me as I read the book was how right Chua is. Not about how to parent. But about how not to. She has pushed her own standard of excellence on her children. But she has believed in their greatness. She has pushed them because of her own personal, culturally contrived passion. But she has realized that passion (even if it’s hers!) does lead to the development of true potential. It’s a good thing, skewed.

In many ways the American culture of parenting has pushed an agenda of safe mediocrity on children. We insist that they do well but doubt that they can be great. Because we do not really believe in their greatness, we push them into the rat race of education, university, career. We neither insisting on excellence nor give them the freedom to discover their own path. We are afraid of their passion. And so we buy in, instead to the culturally accepted norm for what makes someone successful. We train our children to be good at the “important” things like academics, sports and community service so that they can earn their way to salary. We continually reinforce to our children what we have already personally learned is false, that money leads to happiness. This ignores both their potential for greatness and their true passion. American children neither perform brilliantly nor feel fully alive. Instead they are hedged in on a path towards “safety” that lets them do just enough to meet their society’s expectations for success and happiness.

There is, of course, another way.

We could believe not only in our children’s greatness, but in their passions. We could believe, not that they are a blank slate which much knowledge and expertise must be forced onto, but that they are already-full pails just waiting to have their goodness tipped out into the world and swirled into something new and precious and beautiful and needed. We could believe that from start to finish they have what it takes, and know the path to get there. That unique children on unique paths towards unique vocations are not only happy but will be wildly successful in the ways our globe and the human race desperately need.

Children are sleeping while sun still shines in through their window and it’s been a perfectly beautiful first day of summer vacation . . . .

Solomon and Sheba, our newest family members, are curled up sound asleep too. Pictures and details forthcoming.

My brother just graduated high school. Congratulations!

My sister survived her semester abroad. Yay!

My other sister is about to becoming a famous novelist . . . and rich . . .

And I’m looking forward to a pretty amazing summer.

Just Being is Pretty Nice.

(From last Friday)

Patty counseled me for a year . . . Then she mentored me for another year . . . . Then she told me to simply call or email if I ever need her . . . .

And these were some of the words she has spoken most often to my tender heart . . . “be kind to yourself”.

It’s surprisingly hard for me. But I’m growing.

And this was a week of kindness to myself.

After the sprint towards graduation (last Monday!) . . . At the end of the marathon nine months of learning and growing and taking in . . . . . We spent last week in a five day marriage intensive. Sixty hours dedicated towards personal and marital growth and health. And it almost did us in. Well, not really. But we find, a week later, we are still struggling to take in what God did during that time. To process the sights of the dark side we were allowed to see. And to begin to walk in the healing we were given. We are still coming to a full awareness that our nine months of supernatural school are over and that a new way of life is just beginning. And that God is leading us in new directions that haven’t yet taken shape or form but will require still more faith and determination.

And so this week we did nothing. Well, not really nothing. We got David’s mom back to San Francisco after her week of Grandmothering here with us. . . . .we bought a newer, nicer, perfect-for-us car which we are naming “ Serendipity”. (the definition is REALLY worth a read.) We changed our health insurance to Northern California so we can finally use the medical system again! And we nursed two sick children back to happiness. But there was a whole three hours at the coffee shop with Naomi simply being; playing computer games and talking and knitting and reading. There was one morning when all I did was watch cartoons with Quinn. There was another afternoon when I snuggled up with him on the floor under our duvet and dozed. There was a lot of grilled cheese and soup eaten. And a very slow reclaiming of the house from it’s layer of dirt and accumulation that has piled up over the last two weeks.

Last night, Quinn decided to make soup. He wanted nothing to do with recipes. He simply wanted to pull ingredients from fridge and shelf and combine them. We talked about melding flavors, smelling spices and protein inclusion. We ended up with a modified beef stew, made with curry powder and mint! It was delicious. And Quinn’s joy was complete. Today he and I are heading over to Trader Joe’s to buy ingredients for gumbo. He has never had it but he loves the sound of it and is determined to make his own version.

It’s our anniversary weekend and we will yard sale and check out some Siamese Himalayan kittens. We are going to a jazz concert by one of our favorite artists at a wine market and restaurant. We are going to drive around in some obscure and fun neighborhoods. We are going to visit local shops. We are going to catch the last night of the Creativity Conference. We’re going to generally have a pretty amazing weekend of doing Nothing Much.

Note: I was inspired and motivated towards the more joyful and beauty-filled living of life with my children this week by reading the book Mothers by interior designer Alexandra Stoddard. Highly recommended.

A year ago today, I turned 30. I was home-less, job-less and facing a significant swing in my identity.

I felt much older than 30 and also much younger. I remember feeling that this year MUST bring change. That I was desperate not to lose sight of who I really was, what I was really born for, and the destiny of our family. I felt so thankful for our foursome, so grateful for the journey of our lives. But I did not recognize myself; so much of my spark, my joy, my passion, was not reflecting in my eyes. I was on the brink of giving up on my greatest dreams. Thirty seemed like a good year to commit to some radical change and some radical shifts. I just didn’t have much energy to make those happen.

Today I turn 31. And I am truly a different person than I was a year ago. Meeting with my mentor recently by phone, she reminded me of the deep changes I have gone through since September. She suggested that I build an altar, a testimony of what God has done in our lives. Here is one place I can do that.

So here are 31 deep, true, beautiful things about me.

(Note: I am not a narcissist. I am a realist. My Maker is a master artist and I prize ALL his creations, even me. Radical, I know.)

1. I am an artist.
I don’t know how I never knew this before. My art definitely would not have fit in the original renaissance but I have a feeling it may fit in the coming one.

2. I am an influencer.
And yes, I will choose to use it for good.

3. I love, love, love babies.
African and Asian babies are especially adorable.

4. I am a child-whisperer
I sometimes (often?) “get” kids better than I do adults. Maybe that explains a lot? Yes, I am one of those people.

5. Color brings me joy.
I give myself permission to indulge.

6. I am a word-smith
Words are my currency, my love-language, my gift. When I write, I feel God’s joy. I plan to do a lot more.

7. I am unreasonably compassionate
I love the unreasonable part – it will change the world.

8. I am an idea-generator
And I say yes to more innovation; the world CAN handle it.

9. Traditions are my treasures.
I keep collecting them, pearls on my string, beautiful.

10. I value spontaneity
In a world of organization and planning, I am the mom who DOESN’T write everything down. I limit my lists. I strenuously avoid the chore charts and checklists that we all attempt and fail at so regularly. I eschew too much routine. If it can’t flex, than it’s not ready for my earthquake prone life! This is not an easy way to live but it’s a lot more fun and a lot more sustainable – for me!

11. photographs capture my heart as they capture the world
I have no experience or expertise but I’m ready to learn and grow!

12. I will adopt
I am an adopted-child of a King. And I can’t wait to adopt my own.

13. I have a truly great destiny
You’ll have to wait to find out the details.

14.The dirt calls to me
I love gardens and fruits and flowers and chickens scratching and compost heaps and the whole magical mystery of growing

15. I am a mystery
Even to myself! I am learning to enjoy it. It’s a pretty fantastic gift to continually surprise oneself

16. I am an intellectual
I ran away from this one for quite a while, but I’m diving back in with research and a new Greek/Hebrew word study Bible. I finally realized it’s fun.

17. I am gifted.
Not many people’s brain interpret the world close to the way mine does.

18. I channel the Supernatural.
Always have, always will, it’s one of my special gifts. So glad I finally know what to do with it.

19. I am a midwife
No, not literally. I help birth change and new growth in people and situations. This is SO FUN.

20. I am a mother.
It’s one of the truest things about me and even people I have never met before respond to the mother in me. I’m glad that it’s become a blessings, not a curse as I have embraced this gift.

21. I can trust myself.
From my crazy decision to marry an older man at age 18, to my strange decision to give away everything and move my family to Africa five years ago; time has proven that His plans are good, and that yes, I do hear His voice. I am comfortable now with making others uncomfortable. I have a feeling this will come in handy.

22. I am safe.
In His arms. And you’ll be safe in mine.

23. I am wise.
If I had to choose the one word used most often to describe or complement me, this would be it. I am still growing into it. Learning to understand true wisdom.

24. I have found the ultimate Friend
Finding an intimate relationship with Father God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit has changed my life. I no longer feel lonely, desperate for time with a friend, or overwhelmed by the everyday. He’s always right there, and He speaks. No long-distance phone bills or scheduling issues. I love my many friends but my Friend? He’s it.

25. Beauty is my muse.
“The best way fight evil, is to spread beauty”. – Lois Lensky
One of my life quotes, possibly the overarching theme of my call.

26. I have authority.
Perhaps best translated – I am powerful and this requires a high level of responsibility and action.

27. My spoken words bring life, strength and courage
I always had dreams of speaking powerfully. I’m only just realizing that I already do so.

28. I create home and extend it to others.
I have long dreamed of being one of “those women”. The ones who effortlessly host from five to fifty and whose generous, creative, practical, loving homes bring hope to all who enter. This year God brought me so far along on this dream. And He has promised me more practice, whether I’m ready or not!

29. I am adaptable.
This one gets me SO FAR in life. Give me any situation. Any new job. Or new place. Or new child. Or new church. Or new friend. I can learn how to work with that. I value this so much and find so much fun in continuing to adapt to my new environments and adventures!

30. I am an adventurer
I haven’t bungey jumped in 13 years but I still have that crazy attraction to risk and the unknown. I hope to live more freely out of it this year.

31. I am a journeyer
Life, growth, dreams, love . . . . it’s all a process. Every step of the journey, is the journey. I’m all in.