I know that I am loved. Unconditionally accepted. That there is nothing I can do to make my Papa God love me more or less. He loves me because I am His. And He has never been disappointed in me. He treasures me. And His dreams for me are bigger than what I have been able to comprehend.

I know that our lives are all about love. They are all about relationship; about relating to God, others and ourselves. I know that if I don’t have love, I have nothing. Every moment, every heartbeat, every act of sacrifice, every smile, every eye gaze that I pour into another human being out of the overflow of His love for me; shall last for eternity. And surprisingly, a lot of other things I spend time on won’t.

I know that we are born into family and we also create family. I am constantly astounded by the incredible people I have been given the chance to walk this journey of life with. I am so thankful for every person who has known to love me through unanswerable questions. Every person who has accepted me where I’m at and still hoped for better and better for me. Every person who has seen beyond my mistakes, my doubts and my fears and found the gold at my core. God blessed me with many people who knew who I could become when I was too young, too shy, and too afraid to hope. I am proud to be living into your vision for me now. And it’s only the beginning.

I know that I am truly significant, incredibly important and needed for this time in eternity. That’s why the master Artist created me! Living every day in his Presence constantly brings me to new levels of wonder at who He is.. It also brings me new understanding of his masterpieces – myself and others. I am proud to be me. And I can’t wait for the rest of my life – seeking to bring love encounters to each person I am privileged to walk beside whether for a few moments or decades. I will be remembered because His presence is unforgettable and it is expressed uniquely through me. What an incredible gift.

I have learned that picking a good man is one of the hardest things in the world, that you can trust God when He tells you ‘this is the one”, and that a good man only gets better with time. David has been more faithful, loyal and kind that I could have hoped. He keeps choosing to grow and change and learn with me on my journey and bring me with him too on his own personal journey of growth. So we get to grow together – and it’s amazingly sweet to do. I love being married to a kindred spirit. We both live in the realm of inspired thought – arists and inventors each of us in our own ways. And crazily and beautifully we are those friends who constantly inspire each other. We have the most amazing conversations. And we never run out of things to talk about. It helps that we really really love each other too.

I have learned that my children are not really mine. They are His. More wonderful masterpieces for me to nurture, steward, care for through a lifetime of changing seasons and love. I have learned that my children will never really grow up out of my Mama love. In that way they are mine forever to affirm and to teach and to hug and to tenderly care for in the ways a mother knows best. I do not need to fear the growing up, the changing, the independence. I do not need to fear the dangers of all the adventures their destinies will take them on. We parent them together, God and us two. And His goodness is manifest in their lives and will be. They are His. He is mine. We are blessed to be family. And I can trust fully that He really loves them more than I do.

I have learned that the world is a magnificent place. And that reality is so much more than what most of us see most of the time. I have learned that wonder and curiousity, learning and growing are a lifetime pursuit. I am free to take delight rather than be bound by duty. My duty is delight. I have learned that joy is the language of heaven. I have learned that creativity is boundless. That He has so much yet to do in this world and we His body get to bring it to pass with Him. I have learned that He’s in no rush – so I don’t need to be either. He’s the Savior and I am His friend and partner. I will change the world, yes. But today He is changing me. And since this is exactly where He wants me to be, no place in the world could be better.

Thirty-two years. What a joy to know I am still just beginning – eternity lies before me. Filled with gratitude – I choose a lifestyle of praise.

I want to tell you that I am so proud of who you are and of who you are becoming. So proud of the grace and the ease with which you carry yourself. I am proud of your elegance and of your natural shining beauty. I love the incredible way you clothe yourself and I love that you make whatever is trendy uniquely yours over and over and over again. You have always set a standard for beauty. And girls still follow you, follow your eye and your heart.

I love that you carry that, their admiration, with such simple grace. Not too proud of who you are but not unaware. You know your intelligence, your quickness, your organizational abilities. You know that you shine at the very top of your class, effortlessly. You dance through your days, unconsciously. I love that about you, the way a leap and a twirl and an artistic arm gesture are your natural ways of expressing your excitement and your joy. You are a dancer . . . we all see it in every line of your body.

And the courage you’ve had these last few years. To step out into the great unknown of this American world and this school life. I watched you learn to throw and catch a baseball only last week and it was your squeals and jumps that captured my heart. Your sheer delight at trying something new and learning that you too can do it! I love that, how you learn and learn and learn; sometimes it’s history and sometimes it’s popular music and social media. You watch the world around you and you try it yourself and you keep breaking new ground and surprising me with how very much you know and how little I need to tell you anymore.

But you are still my baby. I love that you will crawl into my arms and let me cuddle you. I love to cup your face in my hands and kiss your nose. I love the way you always always smell of flowers. I love that special place on your hairline where your special Naomi scent is the strongest and purest. You still let me crawl in bed with you sometimes and how I treasure each of those moments. I love the way you demand the best, sweet girl. Love how your body cries out for the softest smoothest sheets and the warmest fluffiest comforter. You are royalty, made for greatness. I know that you will always demand quality and beauty and comfort in your life, as you have since your newborn days. And now I see that it’s so good. It’s part of who He made you to be. Called to excellence. Called to comfort. Called to Beauty. Called to Life.

You have learned how to laugh at yourself, but how to laugh well, with only joy. And you love to laugh at your Daddy too. That makes me smile every day. The way you provoke him, on purpose. And the way he treats you – with such tenderness, such respect and such joy. When I see you two together, the smarticles: the long, lean, intelligent, organized, detailed, quality loving, number people . . . . it makes me happy. You are two peas in a pod and you bring each other life. He brings determination and perseverance to you and you bring grace and beauty to him. You think alike and yet your thoughts make each other better people.

And you are a good lover of people. I know that you do not enjoy meeting strangers or making awkward conversation but you truly love the people in your life. Thank you for being the friend that everyone can trust. You keep secrets well and you know when to tell them too. You enter into the strange and confusing world of boys and yet your boundaries are strong and safe and appropriate. When I see you at school, by chance, you are shimmering. Like butterflies you and your friends hover, trembling with excitement, anticipation and joy together. Always laughing. I love the community God has given you here. I love too how you are a big sister to the whole neighborhood. You are the one the littles long to play with. They look up to you and you are so very patient with their ways. That is because you are a mother at heart, an instinctive nurturer and because you have not lost the magic of childhood. I pray you never do. You still create and imagine and dream your reality out in the dress up box and in the green. You still can remake a bedroom into a whole world of play in just a few minutes. This too is one of your gifts, the way you recreate things to express a vision in your heart. Would you believe me if I told you that you are an artist of the best kind?

If I have used the word “love” a few too many times, I hope the world will forgive me. The feelings in my heart each time I see your glowing ever-changing eyes and the smoothness of your forehead, each time you lean into me for an always-taller-hug. Well these feelings are so difficult to describe. But one thing I know for sure, they are love. Hugs and kisses my sweet princess. Each year with you keeps getting better.

A bit blank, sad, pensive

An accepting face

Her future unknown, her past difficult

And she is only eighteen months old

She has experienced sickness and abandonment

orphanage life and the long search for a family

special enough for her needs

She is a treasure

And we had the gift

of holding her in our thoughts

and our hearts and prayers

for one sweet month

Until God declared her

the child of another family

Amazing enough to be hers

And she theirs

Hello, little girl

And goodbye

You were not mine

But I still blessed you

for thirty days

And for forever

with life, hope, and joy

And when we meet in Heaven

We will know each other well

I will be the woman

Who longed to hold you in my arms

But trusted God with you

Even more.

From there it became mostly my work – my body swelling and my stomach rebelling against any and every food I could think of. It was my skin that was pricked for all the blood tests and my urine that was tested. I read and read and read as I tried to understand how something so very small could already be turning my whole life upside down. But she was. And later he did too. I was the one who tore open with their heads slipping out and I was the one who who walked, limping from the pain. And when they were born it was just more and crazier of the same. Warm sweet milk flowing from my body – how did THAT happen?! And more changing size and shape. Having to eat for two and not eat what number 1 and two didn’t want in their milk. They were permanent attachments to my body during their first year. I nursed for almost six years straight. And I still haven’t regained my original shape.

They were so worth it. Worth every bit of the blood and the agony and the tears – yes, really.

Now we are trying for number three. And this time we are again, making our baby together. There’s still so much love and a whole lot of passion and a yes, to new life. It just looks a little different. There wasn’t an evening in bed, instead there have been visions and dreams and a heart-ache too great not to follow.

And this time, my strong husband takes the lead. His gift of administration trumping my willingness. He fills out form and form and writes email after email and we answer the phone and say yes, and maybe, and we’ll think about it, to all the potentials of our future. He sends in tax forms and notarizes background clearances and we prepare for this child who will turn our lives upside down just as before, just as sweetly. This time my husband changes shape, his heart opening wide and clear and full for this new life he was never sure he wanted, till now. This time he carries the baby in a way that I can not yet and my heart is full with both the joy and the sorrow of adoption.

God is making our calling clear.

And it’s just like the early days of a pregnancy. So surreal it’s hard to believe it might be true. So little evidence that we wonder if this will really happen. And just like the nausea of early pregnancy there is the overwhelm of yet another form, yet another fee, yet another delay. But our hearts drive us on. And each time I sign my name again, fill a form again . . . each time I heave a big sigh with another effort, I whisper it, soft, clear, true: ” I love you, little one.” For you, sweet child, any price, any effort. You are so worth it all. We are so grateful you were born to be ours.

When they worshiped
God showed me pictures
images and smells and sounds
A beautiful scene of intimacy.

When they worshiped
My heart was overwhelmed
with His powerful goodness
And I lay down to rest.

When they worshiped
I quieted into sleep
And I woke made new
Truly known by Savior-God.

Now I worship
through my today
In the quiet confidence
of trusting rest.

Today Quinn and I learn together.

Today I will begin with time with God and he will begin with time with his dad. An hour. They will probably play chess.

I know what we might do next. I don’t have a plan yet, but we will. We’ll sit down at the kitchen table with a scrap of paper and a stub of pencil (so grateful for my fellow right brained son!) and I’ll scratch out my requirements for the day. They will be the things I know work well in the time we have. They will be a combination of what he loves and what he needs even if he doesn’t love it yet.

Maybe:

typing

Read How to Eat Fried Worms, 3 chapters

Finish The Cabin Faced West together

Easy Grammar

Handwriting

Spelling

Help mom with her vermiculture project

bike ride at the preserve

Then we’ll go back and write in time estimates next to each of those activities. And we’ll talk about which ones we’ll save for last to help motivate us towards our less favorites. The bike ride is sure to be a hit so we place that one at the end, maybe with read a loud happening outdoors at the preserve.

Now it’s time to get serious. We move kitchen chairs and pull out the quilt to form a huge fort extending onto the couch. This is our learning space for my kinesthetic right brained little learner. When we make the fort he knows it will be a great day! The cats run to find their places in the nooks and crannies under the quilt and we heat water for tea on the stove top. Lady Grey tea and very hot water flow into specific mugs – our happy mugs. We do a little experiment as we add the liquid stevia: how much to add? We taste and taste again.

Crawling into our fort, tea in hand, we get settled with some comfy pillows behind us and kitties around us. Now it’s to the first project. He has picked typing and, lacking all proper form and posture, we get to it. I have brought a book I’m working on so I glance back and forth between his project and my pages as we go.

This is our morning. With a snack break. Of course. We like to make a fruit, veggie and cheese platter with all our organic produce box goodness. Today it might be orange slices, pomegranate quarters and daikon radish sticks with white cheddar chunks. And homemade lemonade perhaps. (Squeeze a quarter lemon over ice water, add ten drops of stevia. ENJOY!)

By the time mid day hits we have worked through the items on our list and perhaps others. Maybe we have gone up to the prayer house and spent time in silence with God. Maybe we have wandered outside for a nature walk. Maybe we’ve had to move to the kitchen table for cursive practice.

And we’re off. On our bike riding adventure. Or shooting hoops together out front.

Until technology time at 1. And school friends and sister and more fun at 3. And dinner at 6. And stories in bed at 8.

These are our days of homeschooling happiness. So blessed to be. Together.