A letter to my heart-girl

JQ,

Your final paperwork came in tonight and we are almost ready to send off the big packet that will travel to China and that will eventually bring you home. I can’t even believe you are real, that one day I will walk through a door in China and I will meet you, the little girl I have longed for, prayed for, the one God designed me to love. Every day I try out new American names for you. And then I wonder if I should just keep your Mandarin name. I don’t want to take on more thing away from you . . . you will lose so much to come home with us. But I want you to feel welcome here, to feel ours, to feel that you belong. I think an American name will help with this. That is why I plan to give you an American name and keep your Chinese names too.

I have so many questions. It is hard to try to imagine you with only three small pictures and a few minutes of video. I want to know how you live, who you live with and what your day looks like. I want to know where you sleep and what your favorite food is. I want to know if you love school. I want to know if you are quiet and like to be alone or if you are a social butterfly, or both?

I am putting together a bedroom for you. I got the colors from God. It will be pink and red and gold. And there will be birds on the wall. I hope you will like it. After you have been home a year and gotten spirit-strong and found your voice and know that you can pick whatever you want . . . then you can redesign the whole thing. I can’t wait to see what YOU choose.

I think of you all the time, baby girl. I breathe you in and out. I do not know how to speak your language or cook your food but I love you fiercely. I am vastly unprepared to be a mom to a Chinese child and I know you will forgive me in time. I am what I am and I can do what He calls me to do.

I can love you. I can walk you through airports and into doctors offices and new schools. I can hold your chin and look you in the eyes and grab you gently by the shoulders and I can keep on loving you no matter what. I can cook you new foods, I can speak a new language to you and I can struggle to learn what you need me to of the old one. I can bring you to Chinese church and Chinese New Year and I can give you Chinese godparents and I can accept that I simply don’t know what it is to be Chinese. I can honor your birth mother with all my thoughts, my heart and my words. I can cry with you. I can fight for you. I can overcome beside you.

There are so many ways I am not enough for you, will never be enough for you. But I love you. And LOVE is what sets us free.

I miss you already.
Mama

5 thoughts on “A letter to my heart-girl

  1. Hi dear,
    Thanks for the special update. A new chapter in JQ’s life… I wonder if she is catching glimpses of what God is doing for her. If not now, later… He loves her so much.

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